I'm not here to impress!

At what point in our lives are we supposed to "grow up" and stop playing stupid childish games? I mean, I'm almost in my mid 30's and I'm done! This is who I am and if you don't like it then to bad. I'm not here to impress you, because I really don't have anything that would impress. My family and I live a simple life. We live in a simple home that needs work, we drive a small car and we go anywhere together as a family because of it. We will be getting a van, but when we have the money to do it. I guess what I'm getting at is when did "earthly" possecions become the focus of so many lives.

I'm at a crossroads right now. I'm in the process of trying to become a better wife, mom and friend. Trying to become more organized, keep the house clean, keep up with the laundry, being a better listener, a better Christian, better at many different things. In doing this soul searching I've realized that so many people that call themselves "Christians" or even my friends are so fake. I can't stand it!

Last night I went to baby shower/going away party for one of my good friends. I've never in my life felt so OUT OF PLACE! I was surrounded my people from my church. These are all people that I thought were my friends, part of my "family". One person whom I thought we had a good relationship didn't even say hi to me. I know that probably sounds stupid, but as many of you know the last 3 months of my life have been crazy!

For those that don't our last baby, Macaulay was born 2 months premature. In that time he was in the NICU for 1 month, he stopped breathing one night due to an infection and had to be placed back on CPAP, and all other machines. Since he's been home he has been on a monitor. In that time he has only gained 2 lbs! In that time I have not heard from one person in my "church" family, other than the girl who the shower was for to see how everything was going. No one came to the hospital after he was born, after he had his episode of not breathing, after he came home, NEVER! Not even a phone call. Am I bitter, yes. I feel like I have the right to be. Have I forgiven them, no, honestly I haven't because I'm still hurting because of it and that is something that I need to do.

Even last night NO ONE asked (from the church) how he was doing. For that matter no one asked how anyone in my family was doing. I know that it wasn't about me, it was about my friend. To me last night was more about gossiping. I didn't want to go, and the only reason I did was to be there for my friend.

At this point I never want to go back to that church. It is such a "click". You have to have money, the right car, wear the right clothes, fit into thier "mold" in order to be part of the "family." How is that a church? How is that showing other Chirst love? He doesn't love you for those things. He didn't die for you for who you are, what you have. He died for our sins. He has given us ALL that we have. You should be greatful for what HE has given you and not look down at people who don't have the same or better as you. Is that how you would want to be treated if HE didn't bless you the way that he blessed someone else?